Who better to judge me than myself? I look in the mirror and I see every flaw. I pass judgement on the way my hair looks, the way my clothes cling to each and every bulge that mock my inner size four, the way my eyes look back at me with their newly formed lines telling me I am no longer young despite my youthful soul.
Looking deeper into those eyes…into the depth of my spirit, searching for the inception of my soul. A bright and honest beginning, like a bright light gleaming forward trying to knock past barrier after barrier. Tumbling down are the walls blocking the path into adulthood. The masonry appears strong, but I am stronger. Will power like a wrecking ball hurling energy toward each barricade.
Marriage, pregnancy, divorce, marriage…and then the biggest wall of them all. I have made mistakes in my life, but none compare to the mistakes I have made in my second marriage. I don’t know how to fix these mistakes, and when I sit back and try to look at them objectively it all unwinds and I judge myself harshly. I lose sight of anyone else’s involvement and lay the blame on myself. I crush my spirit with bad names and crushing self punishment.
I built this wall mostly by myself. For someone who knocks down so many barriers, I was the perfect person to build one nearly impossible to break down. Brick by brick, double thickness, reinforced with inner steel beams, the wall was erected inadvertently. Poor choices laid upon poorer choices. What was I thinking? Turns out that I probably was not thinking at all.
Where do I go from here? Every time I think I have chipped away at my enourmous barrier, another portion is built by my own harsh judgement, keeping me immobile, stale, sluggish.
Now standing stagnant, poised for battle and feeling prepared to slam into the barrier, I’m unable to move. Frozen like an old Roman statue, unable to swing my sword and conquer my enemy… unable to conquer myself.
Image credit: AllSculptures.com