As I spend my days with my children, who you do not know and probably never will, I remember the good days with you. My girls are so sweet, loving, smart, enthusiastic, full of life. The are trusting and naive, they are curious and adventurous. These are things I used to be, before you let me down.
I remember when I could be care free and trusting in the world. I also remember that somehow that changed… you changed. I don’t understand what happened to you. Sometimes I think I might want to ask you, let you explain everything from your point of view. Other times, I know in my heart that you will just be the victim again, see how you were hurt and how you still hurt, but discount the things that I went through.
I remember when I believed in fairy tales, the way my youngest daughter still does. I thought that parents stayed together, that love was ever-lasting, and that your family kept you safe. I wish I could still believe in that, and I am working hard to make sure that my girls never have to experience the way it feels to know that the one person you rely on the most has abandoned you.
That’s how I felt, mom…abandoned. I was abandoned by you when you quit keeping me safe. Abandoned when you quit taking care of me. Abandoned when you no longer cared that the man you brought into our home came into my room at night and touched me, mollested me, raped me. Abandoned when you told me straight out that you didn’t want to hear about it.
Most girls that I know look up to their mothers, want to learn things from them and be like them. But, dearest Mom – I want nothing more than to be your opposite. I want to take care of my children for the rest of my life. Make sure they are safe, prevent pedophiles from being around them, give them a safe person to talk to when they need it, and let them know that if there is ever a problem, they can count on me to be on their side.
Not a holiday goes by that doesn’t remind me of you. The hardest ones are Mother’s Day and Christmas. I want so badly to be able to say I spent holidays with my mom. But I cannot say that, because I don’t trust myself to be around you. I would probably say things that would hurt you, or things that would hurt me. But mostly, I cannot say that because I don’t trust you to be around my family. You are incapable of making good decisions. You only care about yourself, and cannot see that the welfare of others is something that you are responsible for when you are caring for children. There were five of us that you let down.
I do love you, I love the memories of you before you changed. I love that you brought me into this world, and now I can make sure that my children are the happiest, healthiest, safest children possible.
I am still hurt, and I don’t know when I will get past that. I should have been able to count on you. I should have been able to tell you the ugliest of truths and know that you would take care of me.
What I found out is that I have to take care of my self. And that is what I did. I got past the abuse in many ways. I graduated high school. I earned an associates degree. I had two beautiful children. I earned a bachelors degree. I became a leader in the field of nursing. I earned my Masters Degree. I have worked very hard to be successful in life and not let my demons hold me back. It was hard. So damn hard. I almost fell captive to those demons several times, and I am afraid that I am not completely free.
Do I owe my success to you? NO. I take most of the credit. And I give a lot of the credit to my sisters, too. Without them as role models as people who can overcome abuse, I may not have ever seen the way out. My life may have been much different. After all, in your care I got to experience not only abuse, but drug use, alcohol use, etc.
May you find your way out, and maybe find that it is totally worth looking after some one other than yourself. It is so rewarding to be the one that your children want to be like.
I hope that in the years that have passed since we last spoke, you have found happiness and peace.
I hope that one day I can forgive you, and tell you that in person.
Until then, I hope to be the best person I can be, the best mother I can be, and that you may finally love yourself.